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Hello, I’m back! I have had an exciting six months or so. I am now in a place called Marmaris in a country called Turkey. It’s lovely here, nice and warm and with very friendly people. I am living with a nice man called Ömer; he has a little restaurant and we live above it. He asked me not to say the name of the restaurant. I’m not sure why but he is very serious about it.
Now I have to apologize for that idiot Berwyn; he is a complete fool and did a terrible job in my absence. I hope not too many readers were inconvenienced or embarrassed by his poor predictions. He has kept all my books and the telescope but I will now use the sky at night facility on Google Earth. Let’s go.
Pisces. Albert Einstein was a Pisces and he was very clever so if you want to be clever this week could be your big chance. Try inventing something like relativity but a bit different because he did that one. Wrap up well if it gets cold.
Aries. I see a cat in your life, I hope you like cats because it is a very big one in fact it could be a cow but with no horns, or a horse. Always be kind to animals, especially big ones. Berwyn sold my cat and he let it eat my budgie. I hope he can’t sell his leaky cottage and gets very wet. Make some New Year resolutions like “I will be nice this year.”
Taurus. I predict a wonderful week with many close friends around you, career advancement and a windfall. The only doubt I have is with the windfall, if you live in an area with many coconut palms better wear a hard hat all week. An apple or plum will do no harm but a coconut could be deadly.
Gemini. You people must learn to be a little more moderate; you are your own worst enemy. A good week for a change in lifestyle but don’t go to extremes. I’d advise against cannibalism for instance. Queen Victoria was a Gemini and she did OK and wasn’t a cannibal though she did rule quite a few of them. She had a big lake and a great waterfall.
Cancer. There is a lot of wisdom in the Somali saying, “The ant doesn’t flee the elephant.” Remember that in the workplace and when at leisure. After a slow start the week will peak at the weekend especially if you go to a wild naked party on Saturday night. Ask for forgiveness on Sunday morning. Eat plenty of fruit and veg’.
Leo. You deserve a pay rise. Take your boss a nice present and lick his boots, they like that. Be kind to your spouse but don’t overdo it or she’ll be suspicious. Try to be less grumpy with public servants; they can’t help being stupid and lazy.
Virgo. As far as I can tell you chaps got the worst of Berwyn’s pathetic predictions. A lot of you got divorced, some of you died and you got more than your fair share of piles and cold sores. Sorry about that, things may get better in a month or two; not for the dead ones though.
Libra. You worry too much. Just relax and take it as it comes. I do see a slight chance of a lightning strike however, better wear rubber shoes and don’t stand under a tree in a storm. Also unplug your computer. This computer thinks I’m American; it deserves 20,000 volts.
Scorpio. Scorpios who bungee jump should consider taking a break this week. Statistics show that about 8.3 percent of all bungee jumping accidents involve Scorpios. Consider taking up croquet, the mortality rate among Scorpios is extremely low. Walk tall walk straight and look the world right in the eye. Eat fewer eggs.
Sagittarius. Spanish people should stop smoking in bars and restaurants; some Turkish people have. Not much chance of you becoming famous, there are no famous Sagis. I suppose you could still get rich. Consider a life of crime. They say bank-robbing pays well but don’t hurt people; that isn’t nice. You could call yourself “The Nice Bandit” or something like that.
Capricorn. I see that Berwyn advised you to stay in bed all last week. What a stupid man. You could have had a great week, I’m a Capricorn and I did. I think this is the week you should stay in bed. I’m not going to because I’m lucky and my new passport has changed me to a Taurus.
Aquarius. You chaps shouldn’t even go to bed! Get out there and work hard, play hard and jolly well make something of yourselves. I did at your age.
Well, I’ll keep you all in touch with how things are here in Turkey. It’s that big country right at the far end of the Mediterranean, north of Egypt and those places with the Arabic people and camels.
Now I have to apologize for that idiot Berwyn; he is a complete fool and did a terrible job in my absence. I hope not too many readers were inconvenienced or embarrassed by his poor predictions. He has kept all my books and the telescope but I will now use the sky at night facility on Google Earth. Let’s go.
Pisces. Albert Einstein was a Pisces and he was very clever so if you want to be clever this week could be your big chance. Try inventing something like relativity but a bit different because he did that one. Wrap up well if it gets cold.
Aries. I see a cat in your life, I hope you like cats because it is a very big one in fact it could be a cow but with no horns, or a horse. Always be kind to animals, especially big ones. Berwyn sold my cat and he let it eat my budgie. I hope he can’t sell his leaky cottage and gets very wet. Make some New Year resolutions like “I will be nice this year.”
Taurus. I predict a wonderful week with many close friends around you, career advancement and a windfall. The only doubt I have is with the windfall, if you live in an area with many coconut palms better wear a hard hat all week. An apple or plum will do no harm but a coconut could be deadly.
Gemini. You people must learn to be a little more moderate; you are your own worst enemy. A good week for a change in lifestyle but don’t go to extremes. I’d advise against cannibalism for instance. Queen Victoria was a Gemini and she did OK and wasn’t a cannibal though she did rule quite a few of them. She had a big lake and a great waterfall.
Cancer. There is a lot of wisdom in the Somali saying, “The ant doesn’t flee the elephant.” Remember that in the workplace and when at leisure. After a slow start the week will peak at the weekend especially if you go to a wild naked party on Saturday night. Ask for forgiveness on Sunday morning. Eat plenty of fruit and veg’.
Leo. You deserve a pay rise. Take your boss a nice present and lick his boots, they like that. Be kind to your spouse but don’t overdo it or she’ll be suspicious. Try to be less grumpy with public servants; they can’t help being stupid and lazy.
Virgo. As far as I can tell you chaps got the worst of Berwyn’s pathetic predictions. A lot of you got divorced, some of you died and you got more than your fair share of piles and cold sores. Sorry about that, things may get better in a month or two; not for the dead ones though.
Libra. You worry too much. Just relax and take it as it comes. I do see a slight chance of a lightning strike however, better wear rubber shoes and don’t stand under a tree in a storm. Also unplug your computer. This computer thinks I’m American; it deserves 20,000 volts.
Scorpio. Scorpios who bungee jump should consider taking a break this week. Statistics show that about 8.3 percent of all bungee jumping accidents involve Scorpios. Consider taking up croquet, the mortality rate among Scorpios is extremely low. Walk tall walk straight and look the world right in the eye. Eat fewer eggs.
Sagittarius. Spanish people should stop smoking in bars and restaurants; some Turkish people have. Not much chance of you becoming famous, there are no famous Sagis. I suppose you could still get rich. Consider a life of crime. They say bank-robbing pays well but don’t hurt people; that isn’t nice. You could call yourself “The Nice Bandit” or something like that.
Capricorn. I see that Berwyn advised you to stay in bed all last week. What a stupid man. You could have had a great week, I’m a Capricorn and I did. I think this is the week you should stay in bed. I’m not going to because I’m lucky and my new passport has changed me to a Taurus.
Aquarius. You chaps shouldn’t even go to bed! Get out there and work hard, play hard and jolly well make something of yourselves. I did at your age.
Well, I’ll keep you all in touch with how things are here in Turkey. It’s that big country right at the far end of the Mediterranean, north of Egypt and those places with the Arabic people and camels.
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